My Journal of Daily Thoughts

****To properly appreciate an essential part the 48 years of our lives together, one has only to trace the progression of the songs that were so important reflections of our emotions. Throughout this writing you will encounter them as those songs were so important to us.
You’ll find them in my iTunes play list entitled simply, “NANCY.”
Others tell me they completely identify with most of the experiences you will find here, but we all acknowledge that just knowing we have that bond doesn’t begin to relieve the pain when you lose the love of your life! If you find these writings of any comfort, I’ve succeeded for both us. Read on if it helps. Post your own thoughts if you like.

Wintertime is here, complete with overcast, cold and rain. “Adagio Ma Non Tanto” (Bach) brings soothing sounds to my sensitivities, but gives way too soon to other tunes from my library, signifying that life goes on, often at a random and unexpected pace.
My mind wanders haphazardly trying to strike a new theme of optimism—something to do, music to hear, words to write, sights to see… Barry White sings upbeat rhythms, Diana Ross comes on with our theme song, “I’m Gonna Make You Love Me.”—nothing else need be said. Willie: “Always On My Mind,” that ballad I identify with that comforted me so many times in the past, whether at the beach, on the road, in the air, walking, dancing.
“Softly As I leave You” (Sinatra) takes over – that tune I often included in my play lists designed to comfort Nancy after my departure.
Dammit! Wasn’t supposed to be me left here to listen… just me.
Now, for a soothing tune that brings marvelous pictures to my mind, listen to “Nancy With The Laughing Face” by Sinatra —
“For Your Precious Love,” by Eddie Stovall when you want to get that warm feeling that comes from dancing or snuggling with someone you care most about.

Beautifully sunny and clear at the Lake after the storms – type of mornings we expected to enjoy here when this date and these dates came for us.
Type of mornings I will spend here as future dates come and go. Not sure how to deal with being constantly by myself, so must have thoughts of how to deal with this reality. Reaching back for memories that console.
Reaching back to touch someone from my past that could help lift my mood, giving me a glimpse of better times to come…?
Someone new to help show the way…?

She came along to take me to new heights. You see, we were both from families we call, “workin’ folks.” –Honest, hard workers, loyal friends and good neighbors. Nobody ever had a lot of money that would qualify as Wealthy. None of us put on any uppity airs, we just demonstrated strong ambitions and intense loyalties to each other, determined to succeed at whatever we tried.

I think now about how much we had to learn to quickly fit easily among those in the melting pot that Huntsville became. It was a super-exciting time to be around as people from across the United States and throughout the world were drawn here to help put a man on the moon and later to equip fighting forces with technologies demanded by increasingly more sophisticated global defenses. Nancy fit right in with the IBM of the late 1960’s: really bright, super intelligent, good looking and creative young college graduates who could and did transform the ways people communicated with each other, kept and stored their precious records and processes and attacked demands for rapidly designed new devices and systems made possible by revolutionary new electronic technologies. With her “never-met-a-stranger” personality and attitude, plus drop-dead beauty and the most infectious, uninhibited laugh that is still her most often cited attribute, she continuously won people over, me in particular!

As everyone who knew her will tell you in glowing terms today, that description of Nancy was absolutely on the mark! Understated, even.

Re-reading what I just wrote above, I am still at a loss to understand how I was able to snag her all for myself! But, as she often reminded me, “you just about drove me crazy, chasing me all over Huntsville and everywhere else I went for IBM training and meetings!” My theme then and forever: “I’m Gonna Make You Love Me,” by Diana Ross and The Supremes. As I’ve often repeated, she had me from her first entry through the front doors of the IBM Branch Office at 200 Sparkman Drive that sunny day in June, 1967! I was intensely jealous of her for fear she might be lost to me, but she never ever wavered in her commitment, or gave me any reasons to doubt her love and devotion.
…She will have me as long as I live…

“You Are” by Dolly comes on in the shuffle mode of my “DATE NIGHT” play list on my Mini-iPod.=> How clearly Dolly captured the strongest feelings for Nancy in my heart when she sang, “Everything I’ll Ever Want Is What You Are…”
Then, “The Look of Love” by Dusty Springfield from our music in those early days of 1967 as we steadily moved closer together.

10:50pm – Made it through this emotional day with help from my time with Shannon, Josh and Connor, John IV on the phone, ending with Breck & Riley’s dinner at Breck’s house, watching NFL football and good wine!

In my room, she’s smiling at me from “Our Cruise Picture” she had framed and left for me as my ever-present reminder…
Over 8 months since she went away: my motivation, my reasons are in short supply, but not my love! Mostly, going through the motions… can’t avoid crying.

She always made fun of her attempts to sing: “In church I would look around at others as if to say, ‘who’s making that noise?’”
[As a matter of fact, she sang most songs in a passable fashion that was not at all unpleasant to hear.]
Unlike in my case when I would usually know only the first and maybe the second verses, it never ceased to amaze me how she knew by heart most verses of just about every song in the church hymnals! Pretty impressive for someone who was so self-critical, but that was her way…